Dating and Resident Evil
by summersunny
Summary: It seems that Resident Evil characters have no romantic or social lives. Would any of the Resident Evil characters even know what to do if they were on a date? A stupid, random fanfiction. Enjoy!
1. Leon goes on a date

**It seems that Resident Evil characters have no romantic or social lives. Would any of the Resident Evil characters even know what to do if they were on a date? **

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN RESIDENT EVIL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS AND I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING MENTIONED IN THIS FANFICTION. **

**Leon goes on a date**

It was a beautiful night. The moon and stars were shining in the sky and the weather was nice and warm. World hero, super agent, bio terrorism fighter and winner of best hairstyle monthly Leon Scott Kennedy was sitting down in a nice, classy restaurant. He was wearing black jeans, black sneakers, a short sleeved navy polo shirt and of course his hair was looking fabulous as always. Leon was waiting in the restaurant for five minutes, until a beautiful woman came to where he was sitting. This woman was a knockout. She was tall and skinny, with long legs, long jet black hair, blue eyes and beautiful olive skin. The hot woman gave Leon a huge smile. Her smile was so beautiful and her teeth were so white. She was wearing a strapless sparkly green mini dress that showed off her hot body and sexy legs and wore gold high heels and a gold sparkly watch and bracelet.

Hot woman: Hi! Leon?

Leon: Oh, hi. You must be, um, Kelly.

Kelly: Yeah! Hi! Really nice to meet you!

Leon: Yeah.

Kelly _(sitting down):_ Um, so, ever eaten here before? I heard of this place but for some reason I never had the chance to eat here, until tonight that is. I heard the breadsticks here are amazing.

Leon: You have black hair.

Kelly _(raising her eyebrow):_ Um, yeah, yes I do.

Leon: You have black hair just like her.

Kelly: Um, like who?

Leon: I mean really? I'm trying to move on and forget about her like my therapist says I should and I actually force myself to go on a date and my date has black hair? How can I forget about Ada when my date has black hair just like Ada? Is the universe trying to mess with me right now?

Kelly: Um, what?

Leon: Oh shit, I'm sorry, I am so sorry. It's just that, okay there's this woman, Ada and I love her so much but she keeps leaving me. I mean every time I try and tell her my feelings, or try and ask her out or just talk to her, she points a gun to my head or gets away on a fucking helicopter or grapple hooks away.

Kelly: Um, okay? Were you guys together before and she just keeps avoiding you now?

Leon: No, we weren't together. I mean we kissed one time and boy what a kiss. Our tongues made some beautiful music together. All salivary and everything.

Kelly: So let me get this straight. You two have never been in a relationship but yet you're in love with her?

Leon: Yes I am in love with her! We have an emotional and sexual chemistry!

Kelly: Okay, but do you think maybe you're in love with her and she doesn't feel the same way about you? I mean, if she loved you she wouldn't keep running away from you right?

Leon _(slams his fork in the table):_ **SHE DOES LOVE ME! SHE DOES! I KNOW SHE DOES!** She just, she just keeps running away because of her demanding job, yeah, that's it. She'll come back to me. She's just busy right now is all, but once she retires from her job, she'll have time to be with me!

Kelly: Okay, um, Leon, you seem like um…a nice guy…but um, clearly you're still in love with this Ada person so maybe, maybe I should just go?

Leon: No, no Kelly! Shit, I am so sorry. I am so sorry. I'm being so rude. It's just that it's hard for me to move on. Come on, haven't you found it hard to move on from someone before?

Kelly: *sigh* Yeah, I've been there. You're right, it is hard to get over someone you love.

Leon: Exactly, so, so lets start over okay? Please.

Kelly _(smiling):_ Okay, no worries.

Leon: Moving on, Leon, moving on, no more talking about A-D-A. Haha. Moving on.

Kelly _(puts her hand on top of his): _Yes, no more talking about her. Talking about her is making you depressed. Lets talk about happy things! Lets get to know each other, lets enjoy this date.

Leon: Yeah, you're right!

_Waiter comes to their table_

Waiter _(looking very cynical and speaking monotonously):_ Hello I'm Chase, welcome to Garden de Olive where we love you like family. Yay. Would you like to order?

Kelly: After you, handsome.

_Leon's eye and face starts twitching._

Leon: H-handsome? H-handsome?! H-handsome? Did you just call me handsome?

Kelly: Um, yes?

Leon: Ada calls me handsome. She's all like "hey handsome," "need a ride handsome?" "what's up handsome?"

Kelly: Oh I'm, sorry, I didn't mean to remind you of her, I-I didn't know.

Leon _(still twitching)_: No, no, it's cool. It's all good. I will get a vodka waiter.

Kelly: Apple martini please.

Waiter: Coming right up.

Kelly: Leon, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Leon: No, really it's okay. See, I've stopped twitching. Moving on, moving on. So Kelly, what do you do?

Kelly: Um, I'm a Human Resource Manager at a law firm.

Leon: That is such a safe job. You lead a normal life don't you? You just go to work, work at an office and then when you're done you come home. You don't have to travel and work for all kinds of people, including people who might be psychopaths trying to destroy the world but because you're undercover you have to work for them to expose them. You aren't in danger of being killed by psychos, clones, monsters or zombies. You know who doesn't have a safe job? Ada. Why, why won't you just have a normal job Ada? Why do you have a job that you constantly have to move all the time? I mean, my job is crazy but I mean, at least I get some down time sometimes! If you didn't have a demanding job we would have time to be together Ada! _(Leon starts crying_). Why, why can't we be together Ada? WHY? WHY?! *BOO! HOO HOO!* *SOB*

Kelly: Okay, I'm gonna go.

Leon _(still crying):_ Maybe I should just start a fucking outbreak just to get your attention Ada, because isn't that how we always meet? **WILL THAT GET YOUR ATTENTION ADA? HUH? WILL IT? YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE ME A FUCKING CALL ONCE IN A WHILE! I WOULD CALL YOU BUT OH, YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, I DON'T HAVE YOUR FUCKING NUMBER BECAUSE YOU KEEP RUNNING AWAY BEFORE I FUCKING ASK YOU FOR IT!**

_Leon puts his head down on the table and keeps crying very loudly. Kelly runs out of the restaurant. _

Kelly: That is the last time I do any fucking blind dating. Fuck this shit!


	2. Chris goes on a date

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN RESIDENT EVIL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS AND I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING MENTIONED IN THIS FANFICTION. **

**Chris goes on a date**

It was a beautiful sunny day. Chris was driving his car to go pick up this girl for a blind date. Chris drove until he stopped at an apartment complex. He got out of his car and walked until he saw the girl's apartment and knocked on the door. A beautiful woman opened the door. She was tall, skinny with green eyes, long blonde hair and tanned skin. She was wearing a pink spaghetti top, very short denim shorts and light brown open toe wedges. Her face looked very natural because she had light makeup, and wore pink lip gloss. She looked like a California beach beauty. She opened the door.

_"Damn this guy is smoking hot" thought the woman to herself when she saw Chris._

Hot woman: HI! Chris right?

Chris: Captain Redfield.

Hot woman: Can I just call you Chris?

Chris: No.

Hot woman: Um, okay?

Chris: You can call me Captain if you want. Captain or Captain Redfield. But not Chris. Only my sister and colleagues who are on the same rank as me can call me Chris but if you are inferior to me whether in the military or socially, you may only address me as Captain. Or Captain Redfield.

Hot woman: Captain huh? Oh that's so sexy. _(She starts speaking seductively)_ So you're the Captain huh? What are your orders for me Captain? _(She touches Chris' chest)._

Chris: There is nothing sexy about being a Captain. _(Chris takes off her hand from his chest)._ Being a Captain is a lot of responsibility that involves saving the world from bio terrorism. In the process of trying to stop bio terrorism, I constantly witness carnage and death!

Hot woman: Well, aren't you a load of fun.

Chris: Did you not hear me? How does any of what I said sound fun?

Hot woman _(raises her eyebrow at Chris):_ Anyway my name is Holly.

Chris: Okay.

Holly: *sighs* so, what are we going to do today? Wanna get something to eat?

Chris: I have a more pleasurable activity that we can engage in.

Holly: Pleasurable huh? Ooo la la. Now we're talking big boy.

_After driving for twenty minutes, Chris and Holly arrive at a…_

Holly: A shooting range?!

Chris: Yup! Told you I had a pleasurable activity planned for us.

Holly: Yay…fun.

_Inside the shooting range, Chris and Holly got geared up. Chris picked up a huge gun and started shooting the different targets._

Chris: Oh yeah! That's what I'm talking about!

_Holly screamed every time she heard a gun shot. She hadn't shot her gun yet because she was scared._

Holly: Um, Chris, I mean um Captain.

Chris: What? _(He shoots a target)_

Holly: AAAAHHHH! Um, look could we go? I'm really uncomfortable here. I've never even held a gun in my life and these gun shots are so loud!

Chris: Are you kidding me? How can you not be having fun right now?

Holly: I hate guns!

Chris: You hate guns? You hate guns? If not for guns I wouldn't have been able to defeat all those psychos trying to destroy the world with their bio terrorism plans. Without grenades, rocket launchers, acid rounds, grappling guns, remote bombs and other deadly weapons, how would the world be safe Holly? **TELL ME HOLLY? HOW WILL THE WORLD BE SAFE?**

Holly: Oh shit, could you please not be angry while you're holding a gun!

Chris: You hate guns? Unbelievable! And you've never held a gun ever? Fine gun hater, if you're not a fan of guns lets go then.

Holly: Oh thank you. Holly runs out of the shooting range.

_Holly waited for Chris outside the shooting range and he came out after a few minutes. They both got into Chris' car. _

Chris: I can't believe you hate guns. That is crazy.

Holly: Sorry I don't share the same love for guns as you do. But why don't we do something that we will both love huh? Do you want to see a movie?

Chris: Sitting in a dark movie theater? What if there was an outbreak in the theater? It would be too dark to see where the BOWs are attacking! We would be vulnerable and open to attack! We'll die!

Holly: Don't you have a gun to protect us?

Chris: It would be too dark to shoot and I could kill innocent people! DUH!

Holly: Fine. You wanna go bowling?

Chris: Boring.

Holly: Ice skating?

Chris: It would be very difficult to escape from a B.O.W while wearing ice skates Holly.

Holly: Wanna go to the zoo?

Chris: Animals could get infected with a virus and turn into BOWs. A zoo full of infected animals? I don't think so.

Holly _(Frustrated):_ Mini golf?

Chris: Boring.

Holly: Laser tag?

Chris: Laser tag isn't the same as shooting a real gun.

Holly: A walk on the beach?

Chris: Can we just go back to the shooting range?

Holly: UGH! Are you fucking kidding-you know what? Fuck this! We are going on a fucking walk on the fucking beach! I need to clear my head because you are driving me crazy!

Chris: Fine we'll go to the beach. You don't have to be so cranky.

Holly: And why do you think I'm cranky huh? Take a guess!

Chris: I dunno, your menstrual cycle?

Holly: UGH!

_All of a sudden, Chris notices a bulldog on the side of the street. The bulldog starts barking at Chris and spit was coming out of his mouth._

Chris: SHIT!

Holly: What? What's wrong?

Chris: That dog! It's infected! Do you not see that shit coming out of its mouth? Who knows what virus it's infected with? The T, the G, the C, the J, the F, the Y, the Do, the Re, the Mi, the Fa, the So?

Holly: What?! Chris, I'm pretty sure that's just spit coming out of that bulldog's mouth!

Chris: **I HAVE TO KILL THAT DOG!**

Holly: What?

Chris: **BIO TERRORISM!**

_Chris starts drives off the road and goes to the sidewalk towards the dog at full speed. The bulldog starts running away._

Chris: **AAAAAAAHH! DIE YOU FUCKING B.O.W!**

Holly: **OH SHIT! CHRIS! STOP THIS FUCKING CAR AND GET ME OUT OF THIS FUCKING CAR RIGHT NOW!**

_Pedestrians ran out of the way when they saw Chris' car coming towards them. The bulldog then went out of the sidewalk and on to the road and Chris kept following it._

Chris: Holly take the wheel.

Holly: WHAT?

Chris: Take the wheel and drive so I can shoot it!

Holly: **YOU ARE FUCKING CRAZY!**

Chris: Fine if you won't help!

_Chris uses one hand to steer the wheel and the other hand to shoot out of the car window. Holly was screaming. Traffic became completely chaotic because of Chris' crazy driving. _

_The dog kept on running. Shit that dog was fast._

_The dog ran until it entered a mechanic workshop. Chris stopped the car abruptly, causing both he and Holly to hit their heads on the glass._

Holly _(rubbing her head):_ SON OF A BITCH!

_Chris got out of the car and started looking for the dog._

Chris: Oh doggie, doggie, doggie. Come out, come out wherever you are boy.

_Chris heard a growl and saw the bulldog._

Chris: FUCK YOU INFECTED DOG!

Mechanic: What the fuck! What are you doing?

Chris: Sir, I need you to step away right now! That dog is infected with some kind of bio terrorist virus!

Mechanic: That's my dog you moron. Come here Tommy.

_Tommy the bulldog went to the mechanic. Tommy was wagging his tail and licked his owner happily._

Mechanic: Tommy, how many times do I got to tell you not to wander off?

Tommy: Woof! Woof!

Chris: I don't get it, if it's not infected then what's that shit coming out of its mouth?

Mechanic: It's drool genius! Clearly you have more muscle than brain. Now if you excuse me, I have to get back to work.

_Chris went back to his car. _

Chris: False alarm, the dog was not infected. What a relief.

_Holly was in the passenger seat, curled up in a fetal position and rocking back and forth._

Chris: Alright lets go to the stupid beach.

Holly: Oh no! Fuck no! I am not driving anywhere with you. I am done with this date you crazy fucking nut job! By the way if you weren't crazy I would have totally had sex with you because you're hot! Your fucking loss! I am never doing online dating again!

_Holly gets out of the car and slams the door, walking away and cursing._

Chris: That's weird, what was that all about? Women and their hormones. Oh well, back to the shooting range!


	3. Albert Wesker goes on a date

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN RESIDENT EVIL OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS AND I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING MENTIONED IN THIS FANFICTION. **

**Albert Wesker goes on a date**

It was a beautiful evening and Albert Wesker was sitting down in an expensive, classy restaurant waiting for his date. Wesker was wearing a long black leather coat that reached down to his ankles, black leather gloves, black leather trousers, black leather boots, a black leather belt, a black long sleeved shirt and of course, his black sunglasses. BOO YA! A beautiful woman comes into the restaurant and goes to where Wesker was sitting down. The woman was so hot. She was tall, skinny, with blue eyes and medium length blonde hair that she tied into a ponytail. She was forty two years old but she looked way younger than her age; she looked like she was in her late twenties.

Hot woman: Hi! Albert right?

Wesker: Yes. Are you my acquaintance for the evening?

Hot woman: Yeah! I'm Paige. Really nice to meet you! I am so sorry! I know I'm fifteen minutes late! I'm so sorry I kept you waiting it's just that I got a little lost trying to find this restaurant. Blonde moment! _(laughs)._

Wesker: Nobody keeps Albert Wesker waiting. Normally, I would punish someone for tardiness by torture and or death but you might be of value to me so I will let this slide.

_Paige had a confused look on her face then she laughed._

Paige _(laughs):_ Oh, oh I get it, you're joking. Haha, you're so silly.

Albert: I don't do jokes. Or happiness. Or laughter. Or joy.

Paige _(laughs):_ Haha! Okay, whatever you say.

Wesker: Okay lets get straight to the point. Are you fertile?

Paige _(raises an eyebrow):_ Um, wow, um, no man has ever asked me that on a date before. Um, I have a fourteen year old daughter and a twelve year old son and according to my doctor I can still have more kids if I wanted to. I just met you though, why are you asking me that?

Wesker: I would like to reproduce an offspring. An offspring that is intellectually superior and extremely good looking, just like me. An offspring that is worthy of being Albert Wesker's child. An offspring that will continue my legacy in world domination!

Paige: Um, are you drunk?

Wesker: Now, you are clearly intellectually inferior, however-

Paige: I'm an accountant!

Wesker: Again, you are clearly intellectually inferior, however after researching many females, I see that you have a DNA and genetic structure that would combine excellently with mine to result in a superior offspring.

Paige: Okay, you are seriously freaking me out here. And how can you talk about having kids with me on the first date?!

Wesker: Oh do not worry, we do not have to engage in sexual intercourse to produce an offspring. All I need is some of your blood and then my scientific procedures will do the rest. By the way _(Wesker pulls out a chart)_ you're a blood type AB, correct?

Paige: Um, how did you get my medical records?

Wesker _(takes out a syringe from his coat):_ Alright let me take some blood. You'll feel very woozy but we'll eat so that will give you some strength.

Paige: Hehe. Hey I'll be right back I just need to use the ladies' room.

Wesker: Okay, don't take too long.

_Paige goes to the bathroom, escapes out of the window, runs to her car and drives away._

Paige: I knew that dating again after getting divorced would be tough but this is ridiculous!


	4. Jill goes speed dating!

**Yo what up? It's Summersunny here! I want to give a shout out and thank everyone who has reviewed this stupid, random ass fanfiction! Thank you all so much for your reviews! I really appreciate the reviews! Jah bless you all! One love. **

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING MENTIONED IN THIS FANFICTION!**

It was a beautiful, warm Saturday evening and the gorgeous Jill Valentine, the master of unlocking, the almost a Jill Sandwich was sitting down in a restuarant. Jill was normally a very beautiful woman. Even in her work clothes working for the B.S.A.A with her military uniform, no makeup and hair in a ponytail...she was gorgeous. She was a natural beauty. But tonight she was dressed up and she looked like a knockout! She was not wearing a lot of makeup because she didn't really care too much for makeup. She had peach eyeshadow and red lipstick. She was wearing a strapless short peach dress that reached just above her knees and was wearing sparkly golden earrings, watch and bracelet. She was also wearing sparkly golden high heels. She styled her medium length brunette hair to be wavy and she let it flow down. There were a lot of other people sitting down at the restaurant too because tonight the restuarant was having an event...speed dating! Yay! A woman comes up to the microphone.

Woman: _(Cheerfully)_ Hello everyone! Hello! My name is Gwen and I will be the host for our speed dating event tonight! How's everybody doing?

_A few unenthusiatic claps are heard._

Gwen: Okay then. So, how speed dating works is that, everybody will go from one table to another and you have one minute to talk. When you hear this bell _(she rings a bell),_ that means that you have to go to the next table. Get to talk about yourselves, have fun! You never know, you might meet your soulmate here! I tried this online dating site and met this guy. We dated for a few months until I found out that he had a double life as a drug dealer and a drag queen to pay child support for his baby mama. Then I tried speed dating and met a guy who tried to kill me after we broke up because he was obsessed with me. So here I am...all single...all alone hosting this event because I have no one to go home to but my cats._ (Gwen starts crying)._

_The audience members look confused._

Gwen: *SNIFF* Have fun everyone! _(Rings bell)._

Man comes up to Jill: Hey, how are you? I'm Reggie.

Jill: Hi Reggie! I'm Jill! How are you?

Reggie: Great! WOW! You look absoluetly gorgeous!

Jill: Thanks! You look...so what do you do?

Reggie: Well, I am a gamer. I love playing all kinds of video games. Action, RPG, adventure, fighting...not to brag but I am pretty badass when it comes to video games. I also blog. I have several blogs. I just recently wrote a blog complaining about "Young Justice" being cancelled. I mean can you believe that bullshit? That was the best show ever! And they had to cancel it! I mean, it only lasted two seasons! Two fucking seasons! There was so much story left for them to explore!

Jill: What the hell is "Young Justice?"

Reggie _(scoffs):_ You don't know "Young Justice?" Are you kidding me? Have you been living under a rock? It's only one of the best animated shows ever! Anyway whatever do you know "Sonny with a Chance?"

Jill: Um, yeah I've heard of it, my nine year old niece used to love that show. Why?

Reggie: Well, I also wrote an article on my blog complaining about Demi Lovato leaving the show. I mean, are you kidding me? Sonny and Chad broke up okay? And now that she left we will never know if they got back together! I sent that blog to the TV executives demanding that they bring back Demi Lovato so that loyal viewers like myself can have closure on Sonny and Chad!

Jill: Do you have like, a real job?

Reggie: Are you kidding me? Why have a job when I live with my parents? I don't need to worry about bills or anything! Besides, I'm too busy with my blogs and video games to get a job! If I work, what time will I have to reach the top of the leaderboards?

_Bell rings._

Reggie: Oh darn I was having so much fun! Hey, let me get your contact info so we can hang out...

Jill: The bell rang Reggie, the bell rang.

Reggie: But...

Jill: Sorry Reggie, there is someone right behind you.

Hot man: Out of the way buddy.

Reggie _(walking away):_ Okay fine. Hey Jill if you want to play online with me, my username is summersunny!

Jill: _(Sarcastically)_ Yeah, I'm on it!

Hot man: Hey babe.

Jill _(rolls eyes):_ Hello. And I have a name. It's Jill, not babe.

Hot man: Okay Jill. 'Sup? I'm Shawn. Also known as the scream master, because babe, when I make love to you, I will make you scream my name _(winks)._

Jill _(sarcastically):_ Wow you're such a gentleman.

Shawn: Thanks! I'm not gentle in bed though...I like it rough.

Jill: So Shawn, where do you work?

Shawn: I have my own business.

Jill: You?! Really?! What kind of business?

Shawn: Yeah, it's a website where smoking hot babes chat with clients topless or wearing sexy linguire. So what do you do? You are so fucking sexy. I can offer you a job to work for me if you want.

Jill: Um, I'll pass. I work at the B.S.A.A.

Shawn: Oh for real? Bootylicious Sexy American Asses? Shit I love that strip club! I go there almost all the time! I've never seen you perform there though. Did you just start working there? Oh, or are you one of those costumed strippers? Are you that hot babe stripper that wears a cat mask and outfit? Meow!

Jill: The fuck? NO! I'm not a stripper! I work for the Bioterrorism Security Assessment Alliance. I'm a soldier you stupid dumb asshole!

Shawn: Oh wait...oh yeah! You're that hot stripper that dresses up as a soldier. Military Sexypants!

Jill: ...

_Bell rings_

Jill: Oh thank God.

Shawn: Well, I had fun babe. I guess I'll see you around. I'm coming by the BSAA this Friday! My buddy's celebrating his bachelor party! _(Shawn leans in to kiss Jill on the lips)._

Jill: Don't even think about it buddy! You'll probably give me a fucking STD!

Shawn: Oh shit, yeah, I haven't been tested for like two years now. I should get on that. Oh well, see you around!

_Jill shudders._

Handsome man: Hi! What's your name beautiful?

Jill: Jill, Jill Valentine.

Handsome man: So nice to meet you Jill! I'm Andrew.

Jill: Hi Andrew! Nice to meet you too!

Andrew: So Jill, what do you like to do for fun?

Jill: So many...where do I begin? Okay, lets see...well I love killing zombies, bioterriorist monsters and psychopaths trying to unleash bioterroism upon the world! Fun stuff like that!

Andrew: Um, wow, okay then. Where do you work?

Jill: The B.S.A.A.

Andrew: Oh, well that makes sense. So you're a soldier that's cool.

Jill: What about you? Where do you work?

Andrew: I'm a manager at a cell phone company.

Jill. Wow...how...exciting. So what do you do for fun?

Andrew: Oh um, lets see...um, hanging out with my friends. Going to the movies, eating out and playing basketball. I'm actually part of a basketball league at my gym.

Jill: So, you don't like shooting monsters?

Andrew: Um...no?

Jill: You don't like explosions?

Andrew: No...

Jill: Oh, you're so much fun. Aren't they going to ring the bell already?

Andrew: So, um, what kind of music do you like?

Jill: Hey, I'm gonna go get a drink. Nice meeting you Andrew. _(Jill stands up and starts walking away)._

Andrew: Can I get your number?

_Jill had walked away._

Andrew: I guess not.

_Bell rings._

_Jill sits at another table _

Jill: Wesker?!

Wesker: Ah, Jill Valentine, my other arch nemesis other than Chris Redfield. So we meet again!

Jill: I thought you were dead. Your brains got blown all over that fucking volcano.

Wesker: Yes, but because of the many viruses in my body, I was able to regenerate! It took months but my body came back together! For a week I had one hell of a headache though. Two rocket launchers blasting through your brain is not fun.

Jill: What the fuck are you doing here?

Wesker: Well, I have been trying to find a suitable mate to reproduce an offspring. My offspring will be a male though. Females are so inferior. I want an offspring that will have all the superior capabilities that I possess! An offspring with superior intellect, strength and good looks! An offspring as evil as I am to continue my legacy in world domination! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Jill: How's that working out?

Wesker: Not too good, not too good. Everytime I mention my plans to a suitable female candidate, she runs away.

Jill: Can't imagine why.

Wesker: I know right?

Jill: So, do you have any plans to destroy the world so I can stop you?

Wesker: No, not yet. I'm really all about this having an offspring thing for now. But I will have a plan soon Valentine...and when I do, you won't be able to stop me! I will rule the world! MUHAHAHAHAHA! _(Wesker throws a smoke bomb)._

_The smoke evaporates and Wesker is still standing there._

Wesker: Damn cheap smoke bombs! Anyway I will get my revenge Valentine! MUHAHAHAHAHA! _(Wesker runs away)._

Jill: Okay well that was weird.

_Bell rings._

Jill: Okay if I'm not interested in this guy, I'm done for the night.

Chris: Jill?

Jill: Chris?

Chris: Hey, what are you doing here?

Jill: I just decided to try this speed dating thing out.

Chris: Yeah, same here. How's it been going for you so far?

Jill: A total disaster.

Chris: Same here. Not one woman I met tonight loved guns or shooting zombies and monsters.

Jill: Yeah, I didn't meet any guy that was into fighting bioterrorism! This one guy enjoyed playing basketball for fun. You call that fun? Blasting the brains of zombies, now that's fucking fun! There are so many boring men.

Chris: There are so many boring women! Check this out, a few weeks ago I went out with this chick right? Took her to a shooting range...

Jill: Aww, how romantic!

Chris: Thanks! I know right! But she was freaking out on how she hates guns!

Jill: What a dumb bitch!

Chris: Yeah tell me about it.

Jill: Oh by the way, you won't believe who I ran into today.

Chris: Who?

Jill: Wesker.

Chris _(gets so angry and flames are coming out of his ears):_ **WESKER! WHERE IS HE?! WHERE IS HE?!**

Jill: I dunno, he left. But don't worry, he doesn't have any plans to destroy the world yet. He's trying to reproduce a child, a male child.

Chris: Really? Oh well, whenever he does strike, we'll be ready to take him down!

Jill: Fuck yeah! Hey, um, Chris...you um...you wanna get out of here? Go to the shooting range?

Chris: Um, yeah...yeah sure!

Jill: Okay cool!

_At the shooting range, Chris and Jill spent two hours shooting targets with all kinds of guns._

Jill: _(shoots her last target):_ WOOHOO! FUCK YEAH!

_Chris and Jill walk up to each other holding their guns. They are still wearing their goggles and earmuffs._

Jill: That was fun!

Chris: Yeah, yeah it was.

_Chris then uses his other hand to gently stroke Jill's cheek, and slowly moves towards her. Jill slowly moves towards him and they gently kiss for seconds, both closing their eyes._

Chris _(smiling):_ You're my kind of woman Jill Valentine.

Jill _(smiling):_ And you're my kind of guy Chris Redfield.

_The two of them hold hands and walk out of the shooting range._


	5. Nemesis and Hunter's Romantic Evening!

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ANYTHING MENTIONED IN THIS FANFICTION!**

It was 8pm on a gorgeous Friday night and the weather was nice and warm. A Rolls Royce pulls into the front of _Le Pricey_...one of the most expensive, fanciest, classiest restaurants in town. Nemesis steps out of the Rolls Royce. He is wearing a black designer tuxedo and red bowtie with black designer dress shoes. Nemesis went to the passenger's side of the car and opened the door for his beautiful, sexy date, Hunter. Ah how beautiful she was with her green, scaley body. Hunter was wearing red lipstick, a sparkly designer pink gem necklace, sparkly designer pink high heels and carrying a sparkly designer pink clutch. Nemesis holds out his hand to his lady love, and she smiles and stretches her hand to hold his. He helps her out of the Rolls Royce like the gentleman he is. The cute couple walk hand in hand to the Valet, who is standing by the couple's Rolls Royce.

Valet: Good evening Sir. Good evening Madam.

Nemesis: Good evening my good man. Kindly park my vehicle would you?

Valet: Right away Sir!

_Nemesis and Hunter walk hand in hand into Le Pricey and walk to the host._

Host: Oh good evening! If it isn't our favorite customers!

Nemesis: Hello Nigel.

Hunter: Good evening Nigel.

Nigel: Hello Sir, hello Ma'am.

Nemesis: We made reservations for 8:15pm.

Nigel: Ah yes Sir! Right this way Sir!

_Nemesis and Hunter hold hands and follow Nigel to a table for two._

Nigel: Please, make yourselves comfortable. And of course, being such loyal customers, you will be served a complimentary bottle of wine. What kind of wine would you two like to drink?

Nemesis: What would you like to drink my dear?

Hunter: I would love a red wine, preferably the Chateau de Rosa.

Nigel: Ah excellent choice Miss Hunter! So Mr. Nemesis, work is going well I see? Last week I saw your production of "A Midsummer Night's Dream." What a mesmerizing performance! Truely one of the finest ballet performances I have seen in a while. You are an excellent director Sir.

Nemesis: Why thank you Nigel. Yes as a Theater Director I always try to let the story connect with the audience through the dance, through the music...so when I am able to achieve that, it is truely satisfying.

Hunter _(Putting her hand affectionately over Nemesis' own hand):_ And you always do such a fine job my love.

Nemesis: Thank you my love.

Nigel: Are you directing another Broadway play Sir? Oh how I love your Broadway productions.

Nemesis: As a matter of fact I am! I have been so busy, but oh how I love my job...so satisfying.

Nigel: That's wondeful Sir! Let me get the Chateau de Rosa.

_Nigel walks away_

Hunter: Oh darling, thank you for treating me to dinner tonight. Oh how I love to dine here!

Nemesis: Why wouldn't I treat the love of my life to dinner at her favorite restaurant? I would do anything for you, my love.

Hunter: Aw, thank you my love.

_Nemesis and Hunter tongue kiss for many seconds._

Hunter: Oh darling, I have the funniest story to tell you!

Nemesis: Why do tell.

Hunter: Well, you know my friend Olivia?

Nemesis: Oh yes, that lawyer. She is so upper middle class. Why on earth do you associate with her?

Hunter: I know she is beneath us, but she makes me laugh. So let me tell you what she did. We went shopping yesterday and she saw this lovely dress. It was absolutely divine. This lovely cocktail dress. She told me "Hunter, I really want to buy this, I really do, but it is way out of my price range." Do you know how much the dress was?

Nemesis: How much?

Hunter: $500. _(Hunter laughs)_

Nemesis _(laughing):_ $500? Hahahaha! Surely you jest darling!

Hunter: I swear! I mean, how can you not be able to afford a $500 dress? It's absurd is it not? Hahaha! Then, _(laughs)_ then, she starts trying to decide which clothes she should drop. But she changed her mind and decided to not get the dress. She brought like 6 clothing items for only $300. And the clothes she picked were from the clearance rack! Hahahaha!

Nemesis: Like I said, you should not be associated with the likes of such a pauper.

Hunter: I can't help it dear, not when she has does such funny antics like that! Hahaha!

Nemesis: I suppose! Hahaha!

Nigel: Here is your wine Sir, Madam.

Nemesis: Thank you Nigel.

Hunter: Thank you.

_Nigel uncorks the wine and pours it in their glasses. Then he leaves the wine on their table._

Nigel: So have you decided what to eat?

Hunter: Oh my, we were conversing that we forgot to look at the menu. But it's okay, I will just get my favorite...the portabella risotto.

Nigel: Excellent choice Madam. And you Sir? Do you want to take a look at the menu or would you like to order now?

Nemesis: I will have what my lady love is having.

Nigel: Okay Sir. Your meals will be here shortly.

_Nigel walks away._

Nemesis: My love, how long have we been together?

Hunter: Two years my love.

Nemesis: These two years have been the best years of my life. I have had many girlfriends, but I have never been in love with any of them. It was until I met you...that was when I finally found love.

Hunter: Aww, Nem Nem. I am in madly in love with you too!

Nemesis: I have dated models like Bar Rafaeli, Tyra Banks, Gisele Bundchen, I even dated Miss Universe 2002 but none of them compare to your beauty my love.

Hunter: Aww, Nem...how sweet!

Nemesis: You are the most beautiful, classiest, most intellectual woman I have ever met. Every day with you is wonderful. You make me better in every way. You complete me.

Hunter: Aww...

_All of a sudden, a band of three musicans come to their table playing classical music with the violin, the flute and the harp._

Nemesis: I love you so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with you Hunter _(Nemesis gets down on one knee)_

Hunter _(shocked):_ Oh my word!

_Nemesis brings out a small velvet box from his pocket. He opens the box and inside is a gorgeous 10 carat pink diamond engagement ring._

Nemesis: Hunter, will you marry me?

Hunter _(crying):_ Yes my love! Yes!

_Nemesis puts the ring on her finger and they both stand up and tongue kiss for many seconds. People in the restaurant are saying "Aww!" People are also cheering and clapping._

_Nemesis and Hunter stop kissing and wave to people at the restaurant who are still cheering. And then they sit down._

Hunter _(admiring her ring):_ Oh Nemesis, the ring is so beautiful! And pink diamond! Oh how divine!

Nemesis: Well pink is your favorite color.

Nigel _(comes back with their food):_ Congrats! And enjoy your food you two!

Nemesis and Hunter enjoyed their wine and their delicious food, and then after a romantic evening they went back to their mansion and got their freak on for hours that night. The bed was shaking so much that the mansion was shaking as well. There was lots of loud moaning, grunting and groaning.

**BOW CHICKA WOW WOW! OH YEAH!**

Good luck getting that image out of your head.

The End!


End file.
